Well, let's see. My last post I was sick and getting ready to move home. I have since moved home and have settled in nicely, for the most part. Pretty much everything I own (my mother would disagree) is in my storage unit. I have my clothes, posters, bedding, TV, movies, books, and stereo at my mom's place. Oh, I also have my perfumes, which my mother and I disagree on quite frequently - her sinuses take exception to my fragrances. In some ways it's nice to be back at home again, and I appreciate my mom taking me back in for a season, but it has been so hard at the same time. The loss of privacy is something I have felt keenly since returning. I've gotten more used to it, but coming home to mom's place is not the same as coming home to my place. It's only for a season. I know God is the one who gave my missionary, Raegan, the foresight to set my budget up so I can afford an apartment without a roommate. I've had roommates before and I could do it again, but I am such an introvert that I know I will find the most peace going home to a quiet apartment after a day/night of ministry. I won't feel like I have to tiptoe around someone else or entertain someone or be good company. I need a place and space to recharge my batteries and I can't do that as well with people around. Now, once those batteries are recharged, I am ready for my people fix, believe me! I want to be out and doing something, get some fresh air, enjoy conversations and fun times, I just need a break after a while. Anyway, all that to say, I guess, I'm thankful to be back at home and at the same time I'm ready to be out and independent again. My mom told me when I first moved out that I wouldn't want to move back home again. I didn't believe her until now. Those moms. Always knowing stuff. :)
Speaking of alone time, I have a funny story that's been making me smile all week. My best buddy at church, now age eight and whom I've worked with for six years, found out last week I don't have any kids. His response, "You should go online and find some to adopt." I responded I didn't want to do that right now. "Why not?" he asked. "Everyone loves kids." I told him yes, but I wanted to be married before I have kids. "You don't have a husband?" He couldn't believe it. "You've gotta be killing me! You're all alone?""Well, no," I answered. "I have Jesus." Not good enough for my bud. "Yeah, but He's up there," pointing to the sky, "not down here," pointing to the carpet.
He's actually got a point. It reminded me of a story my college pastor used to tell about a little boy who was scared and said he needed Jesus "with skin on," i.e., a Jesus who was physically present, not just spiritually. I believe God created us to be relational beings. We thrive on relationships with one another. Yes, our relationships with God should come first and foremost, but look at how many times and ways God uses the people around us to communicate with us, bless us, and guide us. Even though I'm an introvert and crave quiet time, relationships in the down here are still very necessary to me. I may not have as many of them as most people but you better believe they're important to me and I thrive on them - even though I may need battery charging time after engaging in these relationships.
I think for me part of my trouble in breaking out of that introverted shell is I am afraid. It's what's made calling people asking to set up meetings to share my heart about Romania and see if they'll join me as financial partners so difficult. I am absolutely petrified. The first night I started making phone calls I felt sick to my stomach I was so scared. Why? Why does it terrify me so much?
I am afraid of rejection. I am terrified to put myself out there because for some reason the enemy has this mindlock on me, making me believe that no one I'm trying to connect with really loves me or cares about my calling or will want to support me. He whispers to me that I won't make it to Romania, that people won't support me, they won't want to give, they don't believe in me, I've been trying to get to Romania for over three years now, I am a failure in everyone's eyes because I haven't done this yet. I am a failure and a disappointment and I have done something wrong because I am still here while everyone else at the 2010 PFO at AGWM headquarters has already gone on, and in some cases, completed their assignments, and I am still here. Literally, verbatim, these are the thoughts and doubts and fears that he has whispered into my mind day after day after day after day after day.
Do I know that's not of the Lord? Of course I do! I know the promises God has given me and I know He hasn't given me a spirit of fear but a spirit of love, of power, and a sound mind! I know! I. Know. Knowing and feeling are so completely different though. I can know all I want but it doesn't necessarily change the way I feel. Of course the enemy chooses to attack my emotions and my insecurities. He looks for the weak places and stabs his little knife in there, tiny little pricks that may not seem like much on their own until all of a sudden they're everywhere and I'm suffering crippling spiritual blood loss. It's hard. It's hard to be here still and not understand why this has been such a difficult fundraising journey. It's hard to feel rejected and forgotten, unwanted as a missionary. It's hard to feel like the only one who believes in this dream God has given me.
All of that, all that darkness and despair, all of that worry and fear and doubt and unease is what makes the truth so much sweeter.
My faith family cares. I've gotten to talk to people on the phone over the past week and set up appointments and I've been met with enthusiasm, excitement, and encouragement. I've been told that people believe in me, they don't even need to meet with me, they've seen how God is working in my life and they believe in me. Me. Me, of all people, they see God working in me and they find reason to believe in me! I had a sweet e-mail come through yesterday that almost made me cry with it's kind encouragement and support. I've learned that I do matter to my kids' ministry team and to the other friends I have at my church. My good friend, and children's pastor, let me come to her house multiple times to work on our church Christmas production. She fed me and listened to my ideas and let me write and made me feel valued as a creator. She told me I couldn't spend Christmas in Romania (my original goal I shared with her recently) it had to be New Year's because she needed me with her. Wow. The responses I've had over the beginning of this last fundraising push have helped renew and refresh my spirit. God has been using my faith family to disperse the lies the devil has been telling me. Now when I call people, I have positive memories to focus on, not just my horrible imaginings of rejection.
I'm going to spend New Year's in Romania. I only have a little ways to go. This part of the journey is almost over. I'm ready for the next leg of this great adventure. I've got my Jesus up there and He's been showing me all His down here representatives to encourage me and get me ready. Time to saddle up my horse! (Old school Steven Curtis Chapman reference.)
No comments:
Post a Comment