Thoughts for right now: my #28thanks project on Twitter (@LG_Abroad). Inspired, again by the bestie Brittney as well as my friend Kara, my goal is to tweet 28 things I'm thankful for every day for a year. At the end of the year I'll have listed 10,220 reasons to praise and thank God. Their (Brittney's and Kara's) inspiration came from the song "10,000 Reasons." For the record, I did the math to see how many thanks I'd need each day to reach exactly 10,000 at the end of he year, but since there's not a way to send 27.397 tweets a day I'll have to stick with 28. Oddly enough, 27 tweets per day would only bring in 9,855 thanks - it seems like such a big difference from 10,220. Normally I'm not a numbers person (I have an English degree) but for whatever reason I found all of this this fascinating.
I had made it up to thanks number 14 when I realized I was at the edges of serious anxiety. The agency I work for is having a health fair today and instead of working all the employees are attending. I don't struggle a lot with panic attacks but as people arrived and the building became more crowded I could feel myself growing nervous. I didn't know anyone (I was hired in March) and I didn't know what to do with myself. Vendors were still setting up and in the auditorium where I was I felt I had no safe place to turn. I started longing for a corner to hide in, where I could shrink down and be unobserved, back against the wall so no one could sneak up on me. I felt exposed and threatened - for no good reason but anxiety, I think, is rarely rational. It was like the feeling I always imagine animals have when they're being hunted on camera for the Discovery Channel. I fled (not literally of course) the auditorium and breezeway until I found the empty boardroom. As soon as the door shut behind me I could breathe easily again. No one had seen me duck in so I felt safe and secluded. My own little hidey-hole. A little big for a hidey-hole honestly, but there was a chair at the back of the room (back to the wall, remember) and the view was gorgeous. 
I love rain. My favorite part of getting ready this morning was listening to the rain from my cozy bed. So while not quite the tiny closet my nerves might have preferred, the view of the rainstorm was worth the extra space that rejected an adjective of cozy. I could also listen to the rain tiptoeing across the roof from this space, a more soothing sound to focus on than the booms of voices from the hallway. My fear dissipated quickly and I sat down and sat still, enjoying myself to no end.
I didn't emerge for half an hour until my best friend, the aforementioned Brittney, arrived on the scene. Strength in numbers - I had a new herd member to help me and give me strength. I sat with her, chatted with people she knew but I did not, and even participated in the health fair, visiting tables, gathering freebies, entering drawings, getting massages (Yes, plural, and wasn't I oh so happy?), and setting up a free chiropractor appointment. By this time, another hour had passed, Brittney had left for other assignments, and I decided to make my way back to my boardroom. I was much more calm now (thank you, massage therapists) and could face the people passing in and out of the room in preparation for our meeting in half an hour, even admitting to a couple of them I don't enjoy crowds and had sought out a quiet corner for myself. An understated description of my earlier anxiety attack at best, but it was the one I was willing to share.
While writing this post I think I decided this blog will be a lot more personal than I originally thought it would be. I didn't know what I was asking for when I first dreamt of a catharsis at the beginning of the post. I will say, though, it feels good to get my thoughts out, to express my feelings and share the experience. I don't do a lot of that in my normal life. Most of the time I wind up apologizing for talking about myself. I don't want to do that, I don't want to apologize for expressing myself and sharing my thoughts and rambling on until I decide I'm done and I'm okay. So I think that's what this blog will be, me writing until I'm okay.
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